April 21, 2025
by Riley Lane

I was assigned female at birth, but gender has always felt… blurry for me. I don’t really identify as a man, but I don’t think I’m entirely comfortable just being seen as a woman either. It’s like I’ve always existed somewhere in between, but there’s never been a clear word for that place.

Sometimes I think about what it would’ve been like if I were born male. Not because I hate my body—I actually don’t. I like my body. I like having breasts. But I also really wish I had a penis. Not in the “I want to transition to be a man and that’s the end of the story” kind of way, but more like… I want the option. I want the freedom.

If I had both, I think I’d feel more like myself. Like, I want to be soft and curvy and also have a dick. That combo just feels right in a way nothing else does. And it kind of breaks my heart that there’s no easy way to get there, no roadmap or surgery that really gives you that reality. That sucks.

What gets me is, if I had been born male, I don’t think my gender identity would change that much. I’d probably still feel like a mix of man and woman. I’d probably still want to wear makeup and take hormones and play around with presentation the way I do now. So I guess it’s not about becoming something different—more like wanting a version of me that never got the chance to exist.

It’s strange feeling this in-between, especially when there’s no name that fits quite right. Some days I feel okay with the ambiguity, and other days I wish I had a label, something solid to hold onto. Something that says, “This is real. You are real.”

But for now, I’m just floating in the gray, trying to make peace with a body I half love and a world that doesn’t always make space for people like me.