April 29, 2025 by Alina Carmichael

Today was supposed to be special. My 19th birthday. A day I thought might be different — maybe quieter, maybe lonelier, but still somehow… hopeful. Instead, today became the day I lost the only person who ever made life feel a little less heavy.

My mom passed away this morning.

I don’t even know how to put it into words without feeling like I’m speaking about some other person’s life. I’m in a new state, hundreds of miles away from anything familiar, starting college with no real support system. Moving here was supposed to be a fresh start, a chance to rewrite the parts of me that always felt wrong or out of place.

But it didn’t work out like that. It’s not that people didn’t notice me — they did, when they needed homework help or wanted someone to save them a seat. But no one stuck around when it mattered. I always ended up at the edges of every group photo, the last to be invited, the first to be forgotten.

I kept telling myself it was temporary. That maybe, if I pushed harder, laughed louder, pretended to be more “normal,” things would change.

And now… now it feels like none of it matters.

Growing up, it was always me and my mom. When I was lost trying to figure out who I was — scared of what it meant to be different — she was the only person who stayed steady. She wasn’t perfect, but she was there. And now she’s not.

I don’t even know who to call. I don’t know who would actually pick up if I did.

This morning, while other people were probably planning parties or blowing out candles, I sat frozen on the floor of my dorm room, rereading the message from my aunt over and over until the words blurred into nothing.

I’m scared of how empty everything feels now. How easily the world keeps moving when your whole life just stopped.

I don’t know what happens next. Honestly, I don’t know if I even care what happens next.

Today, I turned 19.
And today, I feel like I aged a hundred years all at once.