Date: April 22, 2025
Author: Marcus Leclair
I’ve never said this out loud before. I don’t even know how to explain it properly, but here it goes:
Back in 2020, when COVID shut everything down, I spiraled. I was already battling depression and suicidal thoughts, and the isolation only made things worse. Like a lot of teens during that time, I found an escape—Discord. It felt like a fresh start. No one knew me. No one could see me. I could just exist how I wanted to.
At first, the lies were small. I changed my age. Made myself sound older. Cooler. More confident. But over time, I started saying I had certain disabilities—stuff I didn’t actually deal with. I made up struggles to gain sympathy, to be interesting, to feel seen. And the scary part? It worked. People paid attention. They treated me with care. And I soaked it in.
I told myself it wasn’t hurting anyone. That it was just a persona. That everyone on the internet was faking something. But the truth is, it was hurting someone—me.
Because now, years later, I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m trying to live my real life again, but it’s like I don’t have a grip on what that is. I built this whole image online, and even though it’s long gone—deactivated accounts, deleted servers—it still clings to me. Like a shadow I can’t shake off.
And then there’s the guilt.
I disrespected real people with real experiences just to feel important. That part is hard to sit with. I’ve never apologized to the people I lied to. I wouldn’t even know how to find them. But I think about them. A lot. And I hope they’re okay.
I’m writing this because I want to move forward. But I’m stuck between who I was, who I pretended to be, and who I actually am.
I don’t want to be fake anymore.
If anyone else is carrying this kind of guilt, or shame, or confusion—you’re not alone. The first step forward, I think, is being honest. Even if it’s messy. Even if it makes you hate parts of yourself. It’s better than living in a lie you can’t even recognize as one anymore.
I don’t expect forgiveness, and I don’t know if I even deserve it. But I’m trying to be real now. One piece at a time.
