April 24, 2025

I don’t really know where to start, or if writing this even makes a difference. But tonight, I just feel overwhelmed with this weight I’ve carried for so long — guilt. And shame. And this constant ache that I’ve let you down in ways I can’t undo.

Mom, Dad… I’m sorry.

You gave up so much for us. You worked yourselves into the ground just so we could have things other kids took for granted. You made impossible choices, gave up dreams, stayed up late and woke up early — all so we could grow up safe, educated, fed, and loved. And I still found a way to fall short.

I look back and realize how often I misunderstood you. How many times I got angry when you were just being concerned. I rolled my eyes at your questions, got defensive when you tried to help, acted cold when all you wanted was to connect. I didn’t get that your strictness came from fear — fear of the world being cruel to your daughters, fear of us making the same mistakes you once did.

And instead of appreciating your protection, I resented it. I was ungrateful.

I’m sorry for every time I made you feel like you weren’t enough — when it was me who couldn’t measure up. I’m sorry for every slammed door, every sarcastic comment, every sigh of annoyance when all you wanted was a moment with me. I didn’t mean to make you feel small. I just didn’t know how to express how lost I felt.

I know I cost you a lot — not just in money, but in time, energy, peace of mind. I know you worried yourselves sick over me. I know you wondered if you failed somewhere. But you didn’t. You didn’t fail. You loved me harder than I ever deserved, and that alone should’ve been enough to shape me into someone better.

Sometimes I wonder what your lives could’ve looked like without the pressure of raising someone like me. Maybe more freedom. Less debt. More time for joy. I hate that thought, but it crosses my mind more than I want to admit.

I’m sorry I was the expensive one — emotionally, financially, mentally. I wish I could go back and do it all differently. I wish I could tell you, in the moments you needed to hear it, that I saw you, and that I was thankful. Even now, I’m still trying to become someone you can be proud of. I hope someday I will be.

I love you. Even when I didn’t show it, even when I didn’t say it. I always have. I’m just sorry it took this long for me to say it like this.

— Natalie Ruiz