Date: April 22, 2025
Author: Dean Alvarez

I think if people could hear my internal monologue, they’d either be deeply offended or deeply amused. I don’t know when exactly it started, but for as long as I can remember, my first reaction to almost anything is criticism. Not always loud. Not always cruel. But quietly, sharply judgmental.

You know how some people say they try to find the good in everything? I do the opposite—automatically. New show? “Overhyped.” New colleague? “Probably incompetent.” A trending song? “Derivative.” Even when I look in the mirror, my brain instantly goes, “What’s with your posture today?”

But the thing is—I don’t say any of this. Out loud, I’m the most agreeable person you’ll meet. I’ll compliment your haircut even if I’m internally dissecting how uneven the layers look. I’ll nod along at your story while mentally rewriting your punchline. It’s not that I want to lie—it’s that I don’t want to ruin anything for anyone.

I know it sounds exhausting, but it’s almost automatic at this point. Like I’ve separated my inside world and my outside self. And strangely, this makes me… likable? People open up to me, tell me I’m “understanding” or “kind,” which makes me feel like a fraud sometimes. Like if they knew the running commentary in my head, they’d keep their distance.

I don’t hate everything, not really. I just tend to see the cracks before the beauty. And when I push past that initial reflex and give things time, I often end up eating my words. That show I rolled my eyes at? Binged it in two days. That song I called “uninspired”? Caught myself humming it the next morning.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be someone who leads with optimism. But I’ve learned not to trust my first reaction entirely. People—and things—have surprised me more times than I can count. So now, when I feel the criticism bubbling up, I let it pass through, take a breath, and try to find something kind to say.

Because even if my head’s a mess of critiques, I’d rather be remembered for the words I chose to say, not the ones I didn’t.