By Jessica Thompson

April 27, 2025

I can’t seem to shake this feeling, no matter how much time passes. At 18, I gave away something that I thought would be meaningful. I lost my virginity to a guy named Dante in LA. It was one of those moments that you think will change everything, but it really just changed me.

I fell for him hard. I mean, I was madly in love with him. But the thing is, he didn’t feel the same way. Not really. He was always distant, always caught up in his own life, and even though we knew each other for over three years, we were never on the same page. I would see him on and off, thinking maybe this time things would be different, but they never were. Even when he got into a relationship with someone else, he still came back to me. He cheated on his girlfriend with me, and I let him, thinking maybe that would make him realize how much I cared.

But then, when that relationship ended, I thought, finally, maybe we could be something real. But no, Dante ghosted me. One day, he just disappeared without a word. No goodbye, no explanation. He blocked me on everything. It was like I never existed to him at all. I don’t know why he did it, and I’ll never get the closure I need. I just want to scream at him sometimes, to let him know how deeply I loved him, how much I thought of him, how much I still do.

It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Here I am, years later, still holding onto the idea of him, even though I know I shouldn’t. I hate how long I’ve been strung along by him. I hate how he has this hold over me, even though he doesn’t deserve it. He treated me like I was disposable, and yet here I am, still thinking about him, still wondering what would happen if he ever came back into my life.

The worst part is that, if he came to me now, I’d probably drop everything for him. As messed up as it sounds, I’d leave everything behind just to be with him again. And that realization makes me feel weak. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I let go of someone who hurt me so badly? I’ve tried, I really have. But something about him, something about that connection we had, still lingers inside me, like a ghost that refuses to leave.

I hate that he’s still able to control my thoughts, even now, even after all the time that’s passed. I don’t know what it is about him that still pulls me in, but I can’t seem to free myself from it. And maybe that’s the worst part—knowing that I’ll never truly be over him.