April 25, 2025
by Sophia Amelia West

My mom has threatened to disown me three times. At least, those are the ones I can remember right now. There could be more, ones that I’ve blocked out — ones that hurt too much to hold on to. I remember the first time very clearly. I had been cutting myself, and when she found out, she screamed at me. The words she said were sharp and full of anger. “I’ll send you to a hospital, and I’ll leave you there.” No “I love you,” no “We’ll get through this,” no “It’s going to be okay.” Just yelling.

The second time was after my attempt. I was going to a very conservative school, and I was closeted, terrified of anyone finding out. I had to sit through a teacher talking for 45 minutes about how gay people were going to hell. I couldn’t take it. I left school and attempted. My mom, once again, threatened to disown me. I don’t know how I even felt at that point, but I remember the coldness in her words — like I was already dead to her.

I’ve tried to reach out to her, to show her how much I need her, but all I ever seem to get is disappointment and anger. It makes me feel like I’m unworthy of love, that maybe there’s something wrong with me. And every time it happens, I wonder if I’m just too much, if I’m asking for things that I don’t deserve.

But I can’t stop hoping that one day, she’ll see me, really see me. That maybe, just maybe, she’ll change. I don’t know if that day will ever come, but I’m still holding on.