Author: Dexter W. Kingston

April 22, 2025

I’ll just come right out and say it: I am a scumbag. Not the kind of scumbag who robs banks or kidnaps people—no, I’m more of a petty, small-time kind of guy. Still, I’ve done some things that even I can’t look back on without cringing, and well, here I am, confessing.

Let’s start with the first one. I was supposed to die young. That was the plan. Whether it was my reckless lifestyle, my dumb heart that could barely keep up with the junk I shoved into my body, or just my pure stupidity—it didn’t matter. I didn’t think I’d see my 30s, let alone 50. Yet, here I am, still breathing, still making mistakes, and probably just as full of regret as I was back in my wild days.

Now, onto the real confessions.

I’m not even sorry about this one. Back in the day, I was a huge Alice Cooper fan. So much so that I had to be at his concert when he came to LA for his Trash tour. It was the kind of show where you could feel the sweat, the energy, and the insanity in the air. So when I saw an opportunity, I took it. Yep, I stole Alice Cooper’s codpiece. I’m not even joking. It was just hanging there, right in the dressing room. The security wasn’t looking, and it just… happened. Did I feel bad? Sure, for about 10 seconds, then I realized I had an actual piece of rock ‘n roll history in my hands. Would I do it again? Probably not, but I also don’t regret it.

Then there’s Lana Violet. You probably know her—porn star, big name in the industry. Well, back in July, I made a little extra cash by locking her in a Porta Potty at a festival. Some girl paid me a hundred bucks to do it because her boyfriend was obsessed with Lana’s porn, and it just didn’t sit right with her. I wasn’t going to question it. So I did what I was paid to do. I locked her in, waited, and let her out about 10 minutes later when she was freaking out. Was it right? Nope. Do I regret it? Not really. I got a hundred bucks for a few minutes of inconvenience.

But probably the worst thing I did—at least in my mind—happened in Reno. It was at Moana, this sushi bar that I used to love. I don’t even know how it happened, but one night, I was a little too drunk and I decided to mess with the Buddha piggy bank they had sitting on the counter. You know, the ones with the giant fat belly that you’re supposed to put your change in? Well, I didn’t just put in some change. No, I broke it open. I don’t even remember exactly why. Maybe I thought it’d be funny, or maybe I just wanted to see the look on the waitress’s face when that thing exploded. It did, though. It shattered, and money spilled everywhere. I got kicked out, but to this day, I can’t look at a Buddha without thinking about that moment. Was it bad? Sure. But was it hilarious? Absolutely.

And that’s my confession. It’s weird to even think about how much crap I’ve done in my life. I probably should feel worse about it, but I don’t. Because I’m still here, aren’t I? Nearly 50 years old, still alive and kicking, still having a laugh about the things I’ve gotten away with. Maybe it’s time to change, but then again, maybe not.

Either way, I’ll die when I die. But for now, I’ll take my weird memories, the mess I’ve made, and the stories that will haunt me until the day I’m gone.