Date: April 27, 2025

Author: Emily J. Carter

I’ve been struggling a lot with myself lately—mainly with my mental health and how I see myself. It’s not easy to talk about, but sometimes it feels like the weight is getting heavier by the day. I’ve been going through a rough patch where nothing about myself seems right. I’ve always been self-conscious, but recently it’s become worse. My insecurities have been creeping in, especially when I look in the mirror. I don’t even know how to explain it—sometimes, it just feels like no matter what I do, I can’t feel good about my appearance.

The thing is, a friend of mine recently came out as trans. They’d been struggling with their identity for a while, and I knew they were going through a lot. I admire them for their bravery, but I can’t help but feel conflicted. A few days ago, they updated their Instagram profile picture to a new selfie. It was their first one since coming out publicly, and I could tell they were trying to embrace their new self.

Now, I know this is going to sound horrible, but I can’t deny that when I saw their new photo, I felt this weird sense of relief. I don’t want to say it, but I did. The thing is, they’ve always been an attractive person, and I’ve always admired their confidence. But when I saw that new picture, it was like… I don’t know. It didn’t make them look the way I had always imagined. And as awful as it sounds, I felt better about myself. I know I shouldn’t feel that way—I don’t want to, but it happened. It was like, for a second, I wasn’t the one who felt out of place.

I’m struggling with this guilt now. I don’t want to be this person. I want to support them, to be there for them as they go through this huge transition. I respect their journey, I really do. But at the same time, I can’t ignore the way their change made me feel, even if I know it’s wrong to feel that way.

I guess it’s just part of the messiness of being human. We all have these complicated feelings that we don’t always know how to deal with. And I guess, right now, I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate all of this—supporting my friend, dealing with my own insecurities, and understanding the things about myself that I’m still trying to work through.

It’s messy, and I wish I didn’t feel the way I do, but I guess that’s just where I am right now.