April 21, 2025 By Nathaniel Davis

It’s been a while since I’ve dreamed about her. But last night, she came to me again. This time, more vividly than before—her face clear, sharp, and so familiar, it almost felt like she was standing right next to me. My ex. The one I can’t seem to let go of. It’s been years, and yet I still can’t shake the feeling of what we once shared.

I’m married now. I have a beautiful wife—someone who has brought me so much joy. She’s everything I could have hoped for in a partner. We’ve had our share of struggles, but we’ve also had some incredible moments. But lately… things have been difficult. A few weeks ago, we lost our baby. Six weeks in, and everything just slipped away. I wasn’t angry, not in the way I thought I would be. But my wife, she’s been shattered by it. I can see the tears in her eyes every day, and every time I look at her, my heart breaks just a little more. I hate seeing her like this.

But even as I stand beside her, offering what support I can, my mind wanders back to my ex. It’s foolish, I know. I’m in a new chapter now. I have the life I always dreamed of, the love I always hoped for. So why does she keep showing up in my dreams, pulling me back to a time and place I thought I’d left behind?

I think about my ex more than I should. It’s a soft guilt I carry with me, one that seems to linger no matter how hard I try to push it away. I sometimes wonder if it’s the memory of our first love, the kind of love that hits you with the intensity of a storm, that sticks with me. Those high school years, when everything felt like it mattered so much. She’s been gone for years, but in the quietest moments, I can still hear her voice, feel the warmth of her presence. It’s silly, really. I shouldn’t feel this way. But sometimes, I can’t help it.

Maybe it’s just a longing for something that was once mine, something that feels so far out of reach now. And maybe that’s why, in the midst of my grief over the loss of our baby, and in the midst of the love I have for my wife, my mind still goes back to her—my first love. It’s not that I want to go back to that time, or that I wish for things to have turned out differently. But every so often, I wonder what could have been if things had gone another way.

I’ll never stop loving my wife, but some memories… some feelings… they just don’t fade, no matter how hard you try. I wish I could let go of that first love completely, but maybe it’s just one of those things that stays with you forever, lingering in the quiet spaces of your heart.

For now, all I can do is try to be the partner my wife deserves. She needs me now more than ever, and I don’t want to fail her. I owe it to her and to our future to keep moving forward, even if there are pieces of my past I can’t quite shake.

Take care,
Nathaniel