April 21, 2025
by Maren Ellis

Sometimes I feel like I’m floating in the wrong life. I show up, I smile, I say the right things. But underneath it all, I feel like I don’t actually exist anywhere. I’m just… passing through.

I’ve tried to be part of things. I’ve tried making friends, joining groups, staying close to family. But every space I enter feels like it already has its shape—its rhythm—and I’m just noise. A disruption. An awkward fit. Like when you show up to a party and realize you were never actually invited.

I don’t think anyone knows how lonely I really feel. I laugh at the jokes, I answer texts, I go along with plans. But inside, it’s like I’m slowly unraveling. I feel guilty for taking up space, for needing anything at all. I convince myself they’re just being polite. That eventually, they’ll get tired of me. That maybe they already have.

The worst part? I don’t even feel like I want to belong anymore. It’s too tiring, too defeating, to keep reaching out into the dark and getting nothing back. I don’t want to fix it. I just want to slip away. Quietly. Without fanfare or questions. Just disappear, and finally be weightless.

I know that sounds dramatic. Maybe it is. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel differently. But today? Today I just want to be a ghost. At least ghosts don’t have to pretend they’re okay.