Date: April 27, 2025
Author: James Mitchell

I never thought I’d be in this position. A few weeks ago, I posted something, a small moment of doubt that spiraled into something I couldn’t ignore. Someone told me they had seen my girlfriend going into what they called a “shoot house.” I didn’t even know what that was at first, but it quickly became an obsession. I couldn’t shake the thought of why she was there. It drove me crazy. I needed to know, I had to know, and I ended up asking her about it.

I felt horrible even bringing it up, like I was invading her privacy, but I had to ask. I had to get some kind of answer. She hesitated at first, said she wasn’t involved in anything like that, but then she finally admitted it. Over the past year, she had done several scenes there. She needed the extra money. I wanted to understand, but I didn’t know how to process it all.

As the days have gone by, bits and pieces of her experience keep coming out. At first, I wanted to know everything, but now I’m conflicted. I don’t want to press her too much or make her feel uncomfortable. I get it, she did what she thought she had to do, but the whole thing is still eating at me. And here’s the real problem I can’t seem to shake—I’m fighting this urge, this desire, to watch the videos.

Part of me wants to know more, to see her in that context, and for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about it. But then another part of me says I shouldn’t do it. I know it’s wrong, that it might make things worse, that it could change how I see her forever. But I can’t help it. The curiosity feels like it’s pulling me in, and I can’t stop the internal battle.

So, I’m asking myself—am I a sick pervert for wanting to watch these videos? Is it natural curiosity or something darker? I love her, I care about her, and part of me just wants to understand what she went through, but another part of me is terrified that watching it will hurt her, or worse, hurt me. I just don’t know where to draw the line between what’s okay to explore and what’s not. I want to respect her, but at the same time, I can’t escape this constant feeling of wanting to see.

I don’t have the answers. I’m just lost in this space between understanding and guilt. I don’t want to ruin what we have, but I don’t know how to get past this pull.