Date: April 28, 2025
Author: Jessica Collins
I feel like I’m in a constant tug-of-war with myself, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I called my ex-boyfriend from high school the other day, and I know it was a huge mistake, even though I had my reasons. It wasn’t about wanting him back, I swear. I just needed someone who wasn’t involved in my life right now to give me some perspective. My current boyfriend and I have been struggling with some things, and I just felt like I couldn’t talk to him about it without making everything worse.
I know it sounds crazy—calling up an ex when you’re in a committed relationship. And trust me, I felt horrible doing it. But there was this issue with my boyfriend that had been bugging me for weeks. We weren’t on the same page about a lot of things, and I felt like I was just spiraling into my own thoughts, unable to talk to anyone about it. So, I reached out to my ex, someone who knew me in a different time and place, someone who could maybe offer a fresh, unbiased perspective.
I made it clear that I wasn’t looking to reignite anything between us. I’ve grown so much since high school, and I’m with someone I truly care about. But I guess in a way, I was also just looking for validation. Someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy for feeling how I did. So we talked—really talked—for the first time in years. It felt like a release, like I was able to vent without being judged.
But afterward, I couldn’t shake the guilt. I felt like I betrayed my boyfriend, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. I hadn’t cheated, I didn’t flirt, I didn’t even mention anything about my current relationship to my ex. But now, I’m left with this sinking feeling that I’ve crossed a line.
I know I probably should’ve talked to my boyfriend first, but I was terrified of what he might think. I’m afraid he’d get angry, and that fear has been lingering in my mind, keeping me from being completely honest with him. I don’t want to lose him over something that doesn’t even involve cheating or any betrayal of trust. I just wanted to talk, to get some clarity on my own thoughts, and to feel heard by someone outside of my situation.
I haven’t told him about the conversation yet. Part of me wants to, but another part of me is scared that he’ll leave me if I do. I love him so much, and the last thing I want is to hurt him or push him away. So, I blocked my ex’s number after that conversation. I know it was the right thing to do, but I also feel like I’ve closed a door on something that, while complicated, wasn’t as bad as it seemed at first.
I guess I’m just here, asking for advice, hoping that maybe someone out there can understand what I’m going through. I want to be better in my relationship, I really do. But sometimes, it feels like the hardest thing is just being honest, even with myself.
