April 25, 2025
by Grace Eliza Morgan

I’ve never felt more alone in my life. It feels like everything I’ve been trying to avoid has come crashing back all at once. I started hearing voices, or maybe I just made them up. I don’t even know anymore. The last time I felt like this, I was a completely different person. I was doing well. I was okay. But somehow, everything I thought I’d left behind has come back and consumed me.

Guilt is eating me alive. I can’t stop thinking about it, even though it happened over two years ago. Somehow, it feels like it’s just been waiting for me to fall apart again. I keep telling myself that maybe I deserved it, that I brought this on myself. Maybe I did. Or maybe I didn’t. I can’t even trust my own thoughts anymore.

I’m terrified he’ll find out, that something will slip and ruin everything for me. I can’t bear the thought of him knowing. But at the same time, I can’t stop thinking about all the things I don’t like about him — all the things I couldn’t say. I want to tell him, but I don’t know how. I’m scared I’ll regret my choice for the rest of my life, but then again, not choosing him feels just as bad. It’s like I’m trapped between two horrible choices and I can’t figure out which one will destroy me the least.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.