Date: April 27, 2025

Author: Emily Clark

I’m not sure when it happened, but I’m at a point in my life where everything feels like it’s slipping through my fingers. I’m 38 years old, and my dream of having a baby feels like it’s slipping further away, no matter how hard I try. IVF was supposed to be the answer, the solution to my longing for motherhood, but after one failed cycle, I found myself standing at the edge of another attempt, feeling the weight of it all pressing down on me.

I’ve even quit my job to focus on this, thinking that it would bring me some peace, some clarity, maybe even some joy. But all it’s done is make my loneliness more unbearable. My husband, who was once my partner in everything, seems to be perpetually “busy” and distant. The man I married is slipping away, and I’m just standing here, waiting for a change that never seems to come. It’s like we’re both just going through the motions, disconnected and drifting apart.

I can’t help but feel like this isn’t just about trying to have a baby anymore. It’s about everything. I want to scream, to shout, to tell the world that I’ve had enough. I want to run away, just pack up and go to the seaside, take selfies, feel free, and forget about all of this for a little while. I want to say “F#ck this marriage, F#ck this IVF,” and just live in the moment. Maybe that’s what I need—a break from this suffocating routine.

But then the guilt kicks in. Is this just a midlife crisis? Or am I just too overwhelmed by the weight of it all? I don’t know anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself in this cycle of trying to fit into a role I never even signed up for. All I wanted was love, connection, and a family. Instead, I’m left feeling like a stranger in my own life, trying to find meaning in a place that feels empty.

I want to be happy again, to feel like I have something to look forward to, but right now, it just feels like one disappointment after another. And no matter how much I try to pretend everything is okay, deep down I know it’s not. I just want something to change—anything.