April 21, 2025
by Lila Hartman

I’m married. Happily, even. My spouse is everything I ever hoped for—kind, funny, thoughtful, hot. We’ve got a good thing going. I love them, I really do.

But lately, I’ve found myself crushing on this other married couple we hang out with. Not just one of them—both of them. It’s not just some passing admiration either. I catch myself staring a little too long. Imagining things I probably shouldn’t. And the wildest part? It’s not that I want to leave my partner or disrupt anyone’s marriage. I just keep thinking about what it would be like if all four of us… were into it.

It’s not even about being unsatisfied at home. I’m not. It’s just—there’s this energy. A kind of charged curiosity that gets stuck in my chest. I replay conversations in my head, wonder if they’ve ever thought about it too, and feel like a teenager with a secret that might explode out of me if I’m not careful.

Of course, I haven’t told anyone. Not my partner. Not them. I don’t know what anyone would say, and I’m afraid of the fallout. I also have this tiny, totally irrational part of me that’s like, What if they were turned on by it too? What if they’d thought about it just like I have?

I know how taboo this probably sounds. But feelings are strange. Attraction is strange. I just needed to say it somewhere, even anonymously. Maybe it’s just a fantasy I’ll keep to myself forever. Or maybe one day, the conversation will shift just slightly enough for a door to open.

Until then, I guess I’ll keep smiling at them across the dinner table and pretending I’m not imagining us all tangled up together.