Date: April 22, 2025
Author: Tyler Benson
It’s been years since he passed away, and honestly, I’ve lost track of how long it’s been. He died a year after my sister did. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday, and other times it feels like an eternity. I think about him almost every day, and I send him messages on Discord pretty often. It’s a habit that started when he first passed, and it just never stopped. I guess it’s my way of keeping him close.
I’m not pretending he’s alive when I send these messages. It’s more like… I talk to him because it feels like he’s still someone I can turn to, even if he’s not physically here. I ask him for advice, especially when I’m dealing with things I know he would’ve handled way better than me. He was so much smarter than me in every way, and sometimes I wonder if I would’ve turned out differently if he were still around.
Lately, I’ve been telling him about another high school friend I’m struggling with. This guy’s been hard to deal with, with all his drinking and his mental health issues, and sometimes I just need to vent. I ask him for advice like I would’ve back in high school when we used to talk for hours. I sometimes tell him about the stupid stuff I do, wondering if maybe “you” would’ve done it differently. It’s comforting to believe that somewhere, somehow, he’s listening, even if it’s just me and my memories talking to a void.
What gets me though, is that I think about him more than my sister sometimes. Maybe it’s because I message him so often, or maybe it’s just that I have more unresolved thoughts when it comes to him. My sister’s death, while painful, felt more like an event I had to move through. But with him, it’s like I’m still reaching out for a connection that’s never going to come back.
I don’t know if that makes me strange or if it’s just how grief works, but it feels like this quiet, continuous conversation I never want to stop. I just wish he could be here to give me the guidance I still need, the advice I’ve missed out on, and maybe, just maybe, a reminder that I’m not as lost as I sometimes feel.
