April 21, 2025
by Jordan Elise Monroe

I’m so, so very lesbian. But no one can ever know.

I go to a Christian school. It’s small, everyone knows everyone, and I’ve spent years building this version of myself that fits neatly into what people expect: chill, funny, “one of the guys.” I’m the friend you trust, the girl who’s safe to joke around with. And I love my friends—I really do. But there’s this quiet ache I carry around all the time, knowing I can’t tell the truth.

I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want the girls to feel uncomfortable around me, thinking I’m crushing on them when I’m not. I don’t want to be the person they suddenly talk differently around or avoid sharing a room with. They’re my friends, and I just want to exist without it being weird.

I’m also a Christian. And that complicates things even more. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve asked myself over and over, “Am I wrong for this? Am I broken?” And the answer is always… I don’t know. All I do know is that I’ve never felt anything for a guy. Not once. Not even a passing crush. But girls? Girls make me feel like there’s sunlight behind my ribs.

Today one of my guy friends asked if I was into anyone. Like, any guys. I smiled and laughed it off, but inside I felt this wild urge to just say it out loud: I don’t like guys. I never have. I probably never will. But I can’t say it. Not here. Not to him.

And then there’s my one friend—she’s starting to figure it out. The other day she asked me directly, “Are you…?” and I panicked. Changed the subject. I didn’t say no. I didn’t say anything. Just let the silence speak for me, I guess.

It just sucks. Hiding sucks. Feeling like you have to constantly filter every word, every look, every reaction—it’s exhausting. I feel like I’m screaming behind my own face.

No one will ever know. Or maybe someone will, someday. I don’t know. But for now, it’s just me. Me, and the truth I’m too scared to say out loud.

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