Date: April 29, 2025
Author: Noah Clark
I don’t even know how to begin this. I feel like everything’s been piling up inside, and I just need to say it, even if it’s just for my own peace of mind. I guess it all boils down to one thing: I just want attention. But not the kind I’m getting, the kind I need—the kind that says, I’m here, I care about you, and I want to help. And I can’t get it from my parents.
Growing up, we never really talked about anything unless it was important—school, chores, things that had to be done. But I’ve been feeling this urge lately to try to connect with them, to feel like they actually care about me, not just about the stuff I’m supposed to do. So, I started asking them for help with my studies—anything really, just to start a conversation. I’d ask them about homework, or if I could talk through a problem I was stuck on. I guess I thought that maybe if I kept trying, I’d get some kind of attention, some kind of real interaction from them.
Sometimes it worked, but lately, it hasn’t. More and more, they just brush me off. “Ask ChatGPT,” they’ll say, or “Google it.” Or worse, they’ll just call me stupid, like the other day when my dad yelled at me for not being able to solve a math problem. He actually called me fucking stupid—and it wasn’t even the first time. I know I struggle with some things, especially math, but to hear that from someone you’re supposed to look up to—it hurts.
I just wanted them to show some patience, maybe even a little understanding, but I feel like I’m constantly failing their expectations. I’m not as smart as they want me to be, and it feels like no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. And the worst part is, I don’t even know how to fix it. I can’t even figure out how to talk to them about how I feel, because every time I try, it’s like I’m just a burden, asking for something I shouldn’t need.
Maybe I’m pathetic for wanting attention this way, but I don’t know what else to do. I just need someone to see me, to hear me, to tell me it’s okay to not have everything figured out. But I feel like I’m screaming into a void, and no one’s listening. And I just keep wondering if I’ll ever be enough for them or if I’m just destined to keep feeling like this.
