Date: April 22, 2025
Author: Jordan Reese
I don’t even know where to start. Everything has been a mess lately, a constant rollercoaster of feeling like I’m doing okay, then crashing down into these awful spirals. I’ve got a decent job, a place to live, a couple of friends who care about me. You’d think that’d be enough, right? You’d think I’d be on track to do better, but I keep fucking up.
The thing is, it always seems like my mistakes trace back to one thing: money. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I became attached to things—stuff. Materialistic shit that I prioritize over everything else. The worst part? I know it’s wrong. I know it’s dumb. But somehow, I can’t shake this need for things that I don’t really even need.
I’ll give you an example: I’ve got ten dollars to my name. Ten dollars. Instead of saving that for something important or, hell, even buying some food for the week, I’ll blow it on something stupid—a toy, a gadget, anything that’ll give me a quick fix, a distraction. It’s like, in those moments, the need to buy something outweighs the need to eat. I’m literally setting myself up to go hungry. It’s like I’m choosing stuff over survival, and I know that sounds insane, but that’s how deep it goes.
Last week, I made one of those dumb decisions again, and it’s been haunting me ever since. The guilt, the self-doubt, the overwhelming feeling that I’m a failure—it’s been so bad that I can’t stop thinking about ending it all. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like I’ve dug myself into a hole that I’ll never be able to climb out of. I keep messing up, and it feels like no matter what I do, I’m stuck in this cycle of making the same mistakes, over and over again.
I don’t know why I let this happen. I don’t know why I prioritize these material things over the things that actually matter. It’s like I’m addicted to instant gratification, and when it fades away, I’m left with nothing but regret.
And yet, here I am, trying to figure out how to make it stop. Trying to understand why I keep letting these things affect me so much. Why am I doing this to myself? Why can’t I just make better decisions and get out of this funk?
I just want to be better, but right now, I feel like I’m failing in every possible way. And I don’t know how to fix it.
