April 23, 2025
By: Marcus Lowell

I clicked on the video without thinking. Just one of those late-night spirals when you’re too tired to fight the impulse but too awake to fall asleep.

It started like all the others—loud, fake, badly lit. But something about this one stuck with me. Not because it was better. The opposite, actually. It felt off. Like nobody in it really wanted to be there, even though they were all smiling like they did.

And I felt that old twist in my gut. The one I thought I’d buried years ago.

I was turned on. That’s the part I hate writing. But it’s the truth. I felt something, and then I hated myself for it. Not because of the sex or the nudity or whatever. I’ve made peace with my body and my desires. But the why behind this feeling? That’s what makes my skin crawl.

Because I don’t know what that woman was feeling. I don’t know if she was okay when the cameras stopped. I don’t know if she was pretending or performing or just trying to make it through another hour on set so she could pay rent. And that not-knowing clings to me like smoke.

I want to be the kind of person who disconnects from stuff like that, who doesn’t overanalyze it, who can just enjoy things without spiraling. But apparently, I’m not there yet. Guess I’ve still got more unlearning to do.

More uncomfortable truths to look in the eye.