April 23, 2025 By Jalen T. Mercer

So, here’s a gem from the archives of “Why You Shouldn’t Get Dressed Half-Conscious.”

It was one of those mornings. You know, alarm goes off, brain goes nope, and you somehow convince yourself that five minutes is plenty of time to get out the door, fully dressed, groomed, and emotionally prepared for society.

Spoiler: it wasn’t.

I was moving on autopilot, shirt half-buttoned, hair aggressively unbrushed, and trying to do the deodorant thing while walking. I grabbed the familiar white can from the shelf, gave each pit a nice, liberal spray, and paused.

“Huh,” I thought. “Smells… kinda fancy.”

And then it hit me. Literally. A fine mist of confusion, betrayal, and coconut.

My underarms were instantly coated in a thick, cold powder. Not like a little mist. I’m talking snow globe-level coverage. I looked down and saw two perfect white circles forming under my arms like some cursed baking experiment.

Turns out, I had grabbed my roommate’s dry shampoo. Maximum volume. Maximum hold. Maximum humiliation.

It was too late to shower again, and wiping it off just made it look like I’d tried to erase a chalkboard with my armpits. I showed up to work with a hoodie zipped up tight and an irrational fear of lifting my arms even a centimeter.

To this day, if I smell coconut in the morning, my brain goes full fight-or-flight.

Moral of the story? Label your products. Or at least don’t get dressed while your soul is still loading.