Date: April 22, 2025
Author: Quinn Carson
I know what I’m about to say is going to sound terrible, but I need to get it off my chest. I’ve got a friend who’s a “spoonie”—someone living with a chronic illness that steals away their energy, day by day. I love them. They’ve been a great support to me through my own struggles. But lately, I’ve found myself holding onto this “Buck Up” mentality towards them, and I feel awful about it.
It’s a toxic mindset, I know it is. I was raised with a “no excuses” kind of mentality. My dad was military—hard-nosed, everything-is-a-battle, keep-pushing-through kind of guy. And my mom? Well, she had a victim complex. She was always the one carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. So, I grew up in a household where weakness was something to be hidden, or worse, overcome by sheer willpower.
But here’s the thing: my friend isn’t weak. They never were. And I know their health struggles aren’t something they can just power through. The problem is, sometimes I catch myself saying, “Come on, just push through it,” or, “I’m sure you’ll be fine if you just try harder.” And it feels so wrong. I know it’s wrong. But that voice from my upbringing comes creeping in, telling me to toughen up, ignore the pain, and deal with it. I hate that I’m carrying that into my friendship, and I hate that I don’t know how to fix it without looking like a jerk.
I know they’re doing their best. I know their pain isn’t something I can just “will away” with a pep talk. I love them, and I want to be there for them, not make them feel like they need to apologize for struggling.
But here I am, holding onto old beliefs that don’t serve either of us. It’s like I’m trapped between the way I was taught to handle the world and the reality of my friend’s needs. I haven’t brought it up to them, because I’m scared I’ll hurt their feelings, or make them feel like I’m invalidating their experiences. And honestly, I don’t even know how to start the conversation.
I guess I’m just venting here because I’m tired of carrying this guilt. I want to support my friend, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing it in the right way. I don’t want to be the person who expects them to “just deal with it.” But sometimes, it feels like that’s exactly who I’m becoming.
If anyone has dealt with this kind of inner conflict, I’d love to hear how you handled it. How do you break out of the patterns you’ve been taught, especially when it comes to helping the people you care about?
