April 22, 2025
By Samira Jenkins

I should have known this is where I would end up. What began as a simple attempt to get a bit of rest quickly spiraled into something far beyond my control. I started taking Benadryl a while ago, just to help me sleep. I was restless, and it seemed like an easy fix. But over time, it became about more than just sleep. It became a way to escape.

I began taking more and more, until it wasn’t just about sleep anymore. It was about feeling… distant. Disconnected. My mind would go quiet, and for a moment, I could shut it all off. The constant thoughts, the worries—it all faded away.

I told myself I had control. That I could stop anytime I wanted. I was lying to myself.

Now, here I am, hospitalized, and I can’t even recognize the person I was. My body couldn’t keep up with the damage I was doing. I was hallucinating—seeing things, hearing things. I heard my dead mother’s voice, and I saw things I can’t even explain. I felt like I was trapped in my own body, my skin like a prison. It’s terrifying how quickly you can lose yourself.

The doctors told me I was lucky to be alive. Lucky. It feels strange to hear that when you’re strapped to a hospital bed, not knowing how far you’ve fallen.

I don’t know if I can ever undo what I’ve done, but I know I can’t go back to what I was.