By: Ava Jensen
April 21, 2025

I know, okay? I KNOW it’s unhealthy. I know it’s embarrassing. And I know that it’s probably one of the most one-sided, unrealistic things I’ve ever felt in my life, but… I can’t help it.

I have a massive crush on this webcomic creator. His name is CaptainHowdie. If you don’t know him, consider yourself lucky. If you do, well… you’re probably thinking the same thing I am, which is: he’s just SO fine. It’s insane how much I want him. Like, I’ve never felt anything quite like this before. The way he draws, the way he talks, the humor, the energy—it all just speaks to me, like, on a level that’s impossible to describe. He’s just… perfect.

But then there’s the guilt. The little voice in my head that’s like, “b-but he’s problematic, b-but he’s way older than you, b-but he’s just a person on the internet and you don’t even know him.” And then there’s the rational part of me that knows all of that is true. That he’s out there living his life, doing his thing, and I’m over here making up this fantasy in my head that could never come true.

It’s embarrassing, honestly. The last time I had a parasocial crush, I was in middle school and it was on some random pop star. But this? This feels different. More intense. It’s like I can’t shake it off no matter how much I try. Every time I see him post something new or make a tweet, my heart races a little bit. I’m not even sure if he knows I exist—he probably doesn’t. In fact, he definitely doesn’t. And that’s part of the problem.

I wish I could be normal about it. Like, normal crushes where you can at least talk to the person and have some kind of connection. But no, this is just one-sided admiration that’s slowly turning into this weird obsession I can’t fully explain. I think about him constantly, and I can’t help it. He’s just so fine.

There’s this constant internal battle. I don’t want to let go of the crush because it feels like a little secret I can keep to myself. It’s like a form of escape. But I also know it’s exhausting. It’s mentally draining to constantly remind myself that it’s not real, that it’s not going anywhere. And maybe, just maybe, I’m the only one putting all this energy into something that’s literally one-sided. I have to remind myself to snap out of it sometimes. But then he’ll post something, or I’ll see another sketch, and it’s like all of my resolve just crumbles.

Maybe someday I’ll stop thinking about him like this. Maybe I’ll get a grip on reality and realize that no matter how many times I replay his interviews in my head, or how much I fantasize about a world where we actually meet and talk—none of it will ever happen. But for now? I’ll hold onto this little obsession, because it’s one of the few things that makes me feel excited. It’s pathetic, I know. But it’s also kind of comforting in its own strange way.

I just wish my brain would stop reminding me that it’s all impossible.