Date: April 27, 2025
Author: Claire H. Matthews
I’m embarrassed to admit this, but there’s a part of me that gets oddly addicted to watching the drama unfold in relationships, specifically those on social media. It started out as a harmless way to pass the time—just watching couples, trying to figure out what might be going on behind the picture-perfect scenes they were showing. But it quickly turned into something much darker.
I’d follow these couples, analyzing every move they made, picking up on tiny inconsistencies or “red flags” in their posts. I got good at predicting when a breakup was coming, and I’d eagerly wait for it to happen. It was like some twisted game to me, and I’d find a sick kind of pleasure in watching their relationships crumble, especially when it happened in a way that was quiet and anticlimactic. It gave me a sense of satisfaction, like I was in the know, or like I could see through all the lies.
One couple I followed for over a year recently split up in the most private way possible. There were no dramatic confrontations or explosive public apologies—just silence. And I don’t know why, but it pissed me off. I felt like I deserved more from their breakup. Like, I had invested so much of my time in watching their every move that I should’ve gotten more of a show, more of an explanation. They owed it to me, right?
But now, I see how toxic and unhealthy this whole mindset was. I hate myself for it. It’s like a weird form of self-harm—constantly watching people’s relationships fall apart so I can feel some twisted sense of satisfaction. It’s sick, and I know it. But it’s hard to stop. And it’s harder because now, I’m paranoid. Every time I interact with my own partner, I get this nagging feeling that people are watching me the same way I used to watch those couples. I’m terrified that they’re analyzing every little thing I do, waiting for our relationship to implode so they can get their fix. It’s a constant cycle of anxiety that I can’t shake.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, especially because my partner deserves so much better than this. I hate that my obsession with other people’s relationships is bleeding into my own. But a part of me feels like I deserve it—the paranoia, the insecurity, the discomfort—because I’ve let this habit go on for far too long.
I want to stop. I want to break free from this unhealthy cycle of watching people’s misery for my own twisted pleasure. But I don’t know how to let go of it. It feels like a part of me is addicted to it, like I need it to feel some sense of control or validation. It’s a horrible habit, and I can’t help but wonder if others are caught up in this toxic cycle too.
At the end of the day, I know this behavior isn’t healthy for me, or anyone else involved. It makes me feel small and disconnected, and I can see how it makes others uncomfortable too. I just wish I could stop—and that’s something I’m working on. For my own peace, and for the sake of the relationships I actually care about.
