April 21, 2025
by Theo Calderon

I feel pathetic. Not just sad or tired or overwhelmed—pathetic.

All my life, I’ve been the smart one. The one who finishes the project first, who gets praised for having “potential,” who quietly rolls their eyes at classmates who just don’t get it. I’ve spent years telling myself that I’m built different—better. I looked at people who didn’t work as hard or who didn’t overthink like I did, and I’d scoff at how emotionally messy or clueless they were. I always assumed I had it figured out.

And yeah, I know that’s messed up. I know it’s hypocritical. But that mindset? It became my whole identity. I wasn’t just good at school—I was the smart one. It defined me.

Then I made a mistake. Just one. A small error that snowballed into something bigger. And that one moment of failure shattered everything I’d built inside my head. I started second-guessing everything. Every answer. Every instinct. And then I just… stopped trying. Because if I gave it my all and still failed? I don’t think I could handle that.

The worst part? My friends noticed. They were surprised at first, then smug. They started getting better grades than me, and they made sure I knew. I wanted to be happy for them, I really did. But all I could feel was this burning shame in my chest. Because the one thing I thought I could always rely on—being smarter, being ahead—that’s the thing I failed at. And suddenly I wasn’t better than anyone. I was just like them. Or maybe worse.

Now I’m stuck in this space where I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m scared to try because I don’t trust myself. I’m scared to speak because I don’t want to be wrong again. I thought I was untouchable. Turns out, I’m just human too.

And god, that’s hard to admit.