Date: April 29, 2025

Author: Emma Lawson

I’ve spent so much time pushing people away, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve done too much damage to ever fix it. I don’t mean to. In fact, deep down, I just want someone to care. To look at me and think, I’m worth it. But I’m terrified of getting too close, of letting anyone in, because I know from experience how it feels when they eventually leave or hurt me. And it always happens. I always get hurt.

It’s like this cycle I can’t break. I want connection, I crave it—there’s a part of me that would love nothing more than to have someone to share my life with, to lean on, to be seen by. But every time I feel that need start to bubble up, I panic. I shut down, I push them away, I create distance between us. I tell myself I don’t need them, that I’m fine on my own. But the truth is, I’m not fine. I’m scared. And I’m scared because I’ve been let down before. I’ve trusted, and I’ve gotten hurt. So now, I’d rather push people away before they can get too close and do it again.

I’ve spent years like this, alone and distant, telling myself I’m fine. But I know I’m not. I’ve watched other people build relationships, create families, form friendships that last, and I can’t help but feel like I’ve missed out on something so simple and beautiful. I’ve let fear take away my chance at real connection.

The worst part is, I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to let go of the fear. I want to try, I really do, but it feels impossible to undo years of conditioning that I’ve built up around myself. The walls I’ve put up are so high now that sometimes I can’t even remember how to lower them.

I’m terrified of what’s on the other side of those walls—what if I get hurt again? But I’m also terrified of staying this way. Of being alone forever, pushing everyone away, just because I’m too scared to let anyone in.

And I don’t know if there’s even a way back.