April 27, 2025
By: Olivia Marshall

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with the people in my life. I know they care for me, and I care about them too, but sometimes it just feels like I’m stuck in the same cycle. There’s a part of me that’s always wanted to meet new people, explore new relationships, and push away the old, familiar faces that have been in my life for years. I’ve never really felt like I belong completely in the circles I’m in. It’s not that I don’t like them, or that they’re bad people, it’s just that there’s always been this nagging feeling that I’m not living the life I should be.

I often daydream about making new friends, creating fresh connections with people who don’t know my past, who don’t have the same history with me. It seems exciting in theory. But then there’s this other side of me that is scared to death of what might happen if I let go of the people I’ve known for so long. I mean, they’re safe, they’re comfortable, and at least they won’t leave me in a way that a new friendship might. The thought of making new friends is almost suffocating because there’s this constant worry that they might not stick around, that one day, they’ll decide they don’t need me anymore, and then what? I can’t even imagine how that would feel.

It’s hard to admit, but I fear loneliness more than anything. It’s strange, because I’m not lonely in the traditional sense—I have people in my life who care about me, people I’ve known for years. But I still feel like something’s missing. Maybe I’m not brave enough to take that leap and meet new people because I’ve been so used to the comfort of the old ones, but I’m also terrified that if I do try and make new connections, they won’t stay. And if they leave, it’s like I’ve invested all my time and energy into something that ultimately wasn’t worth it.

I wish I could just be confident in letting go of the past and trusting that new relationships can flourish, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll end up alone, abandoned by both the old and the new. So, for now, I’m stuck in this weird space where I long for something different, but I’m too afraid to move forward. I don’t know how to break this cycle, but I do know that I can’t keep living in fear of what might happen.

Maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to take that risk. But for now, I’ll just keep holding on, pretending that everything’s okay even when I know it’s not.