Date: April 29, 2025

Author: Ethan Williams

I’ve always loved writing. From the moment I learned how to string words together, I was hooked. Writing was my escape, my way to make sense of the world and express things I couldn’t say aloud. But there’s this lingering weight, a guilt I carry now, that I can’t seem to shake off. It’s tied to something I did in the past, something that’s hard to admit — something I wish I could take back.

Not long ago, I was using AI to help with my writing. I’m a minor, and at the time, it seemed like a good idea. Everyone was doing it, or at least, it felt that way. I told myself that AI was just a tool, nothing more. It was like a shortcut, and for someone my age, someone still figuring out how to navigate life and writing, it felt harmless.

I created a ton of bots on these AI platforms like CAI. It felt like a way to push past the blank page, to get some quick ideas, and have a conversation with something — or someone — that would offer suggestions. I told myself it wasn’t cheating. After all, I wasn’t using AI to write my stories for me, just as a crutch when I was stuck. But looking back now, I realize how misguided that was. I never thought it would come to this, the way it feels now. That shame? It’s a lot heavier than I thought it would be.

I stopped using AI for my writing a while ago, realizing it wasn’t the right path for me. But the guilt never fully went away. The truth is, no matter how much time passes, that sense of using something that wasn’t truly my own always lingers. And it’s worse now, after what happened yesterday.

I was scrolling through TikTok when I stumbled upon a video. It was about the controversy surrounding AO3 and how some works were being scraped and used by AI for training purposes. My heart sank into my stomach when I realized what was happening. I checked the website, and to my horror, one of my fics was among the ones being used without my permission. It wasn’t one of my best works — just a crackfic that I threw together, but it was something I put a part of myself into. It was my creation, and yet, it felt stolen, twisted into something I had no control over.

I hadn’t used AI for that fic, but the fact that it had been scraped, taken without my consent, it felt like a violation. All those moments of doubt and shame I had about using AI for my stories came rushing back. It was like I’d opened a door to a dark room I couldn’t close. I felt embarrassed, frustrated, and honestly, a little betrayed by myself for ever thinking it was okay to rely on something that wasn’t truly mine.

I know it’s not the end of the world, but it stings in ways I wasn’t prepared for. I just want to keep writing, to do it my way, without these lingering feelings of guilt. But sometimes, the past catches up with you, and you realize just how much it’s shaped who you are now.

So here I am, still trying to reconcile my love for writing with the guilt that follows me. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully shake it off, but at least I’m trying to be better, to write from my own heart and soul.