Date: April 27, 2025
Author: Nathaniel Cole
It’s a strange thing, really, realizing something about yourself that you always suspected but never dared to admit. I’ve known for years that something was different about me, but I didn’t have the words for it until recently. I’m 22 now, and it wasn’t until my therapist pushed me hard enough that I got the official diagnosis: narcissistic psychopath. I’m not sure what’s worse—the fact that I knew it all along or the cold weight of the label finally being applied.
I’ve spent so much time building this persona, this mask that I wear every day, pretending to be the “good guy” in everyone’s eyes. It’s a role I’ve perfected, and no one would ever guess that I feel so disconnected from them sometimes. I can charm my way into anyone’s life, make them believe that I’m the friend they’ve always wanted. I’m always there when they need someone to talk to, always lending a hand when they need it, but deep down, it feels like I’m just going through the motions. I don’t really care about their problems. I care about what I can gain from them. That’s the truth, but I don’t think anyone really sees it.
The thing is, I know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t want anyone else to know. If they did, they’d start seeing the cracks in the facade. They’d start questioning everything I say, every action I take, and that would mean no more friends, no more trust. I’ve worked too hard to build that up. I’ve always been the one people turn to, the one they can rely on. I like it that way, and I’m afraid that if I let them in on the secret, they’ll stop seeing me for who I am now and start seeing me for what I really am.
So, I keep it all to myself. I act the way they expect me to. I’m the friend they think I am, the person they believe they can trust. And maybe I’ll never tell them the truth. Because as long as I have this mask, I’m safe. As long as they keep believing in me, I’m in control. It’s a delicate balance, one I’m not willing to break. Not yet, anyway.
I’ll keep playing the part, and they’ll keep believing it. I’m good at this. I’ve always been good at it. Maybe that’s the only thing that really matters.
