April 25, 2025
by Eliza Marie Donahue

I’m 22, and I’ve only had one relationship in my life. And honestly? It wasn’t even that deep. It felt more like dipping my toe into the idea of love than actually swimming in it. It ended, I moved on. No drama, no heartbreak. Just… gone.

It’s been years since then, and not once have I been in anything close to a relationship again. I wish I could say it was by choice—that I was working on myself, or focused on my goals. But the truth is, it just never happened. And now, I feel like I’m falling behind in something that doesn’t have a syllabus or a timeline, but still somehow feels graded.

All my friends are in relationships. Good ones, too. They talk about weekend getaways, matching hoodies, anniversaries. Group hangouts now feel like double dates with me as the extra chair. I try to laugh, try not to let it show, but I always go home feeling just a little emptier.

They ask me sometimes, “Why aren’t you seeing anyone?” or “You’re too pretty to be single!” And I just smile, shrug, and make a joke. But deep down, the answer is kind of embarrassing.

I want someone. God, do I want that connection. That late-night texting, forehead kisses, just-being-held kind of thing. But I’m scared. Scared to put myself out there. Scared that if I finally do try, I’ll just get ghosted or ignored. I’m insecure—about how I look, about whether I’m interesting enough, whether someone would actually choose me.

I don’t even know where to start. Dating apps make me feel like I’m just another swipe. Going out feels performative. And so I stay in this limbo—wanting love, but too afraid to go looking for it.

I know people say, “It’ll happen when you least expect it,” but when you’ve been waiting this long, every moment starts to feel like just another reminder that it hasn’t.

So yeah, I’m the single one. The third wheel. The one who pretends it doesn’t bother her. But it does. I’m just trying to figure out how to feel brave again.