Date: April 21, 2025

Author: Sarah Lawson

Lately, I’ve found myself caught in a cycle I can’t seem to break. It’s strange, really, because it’s something I never thought would have such a grip on me. For the past few months, I’ve been drawn to something that I can’t explain. I can’t seem to stop watching videos of men kissing each other. I’m not sure what it is about it, but when I see it, it feels like something clicks inside me. I’ll stay up late into the night, watching over and over again, getting lost in it.

It’s not just curiosity—there’s a part of me that feels completely immersed in it. There’s a fantasy element, too, something that takes me away from the noise of the world. For hours, I’m wrapped up in that feeling, and I don’t want to stop. But with every passing day, it’s starting to feel less like a simple interest and more like something consuming me.

I’ve tried to shake it off. I’ve tried to focus on other things, to tell myself it’s not a big deal, that it’s just a phase or something harmless. But it’s messing with my mind. The more I indulge in it, the harder it becomes to focus on anything else. I feel distant from my friends, from my family. I find myself isolated, spending more time watching videos and thinking about things that make me feel a bit… off.

I know this isn’t healthy. There’s a part of me that keeps telling myself I need help, that I shouldn’t be ashamed of reaching out for it. But it’s hard to admit that something I enjoy is actually affecting me this way. I’m scared of what it means and what’s going on inside me. I don’t understand why I feel so drawn to it, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s something deeper. Why does it feel like I can’t stop, even though I know it’s starting to take over my thoughts and emotions?

I’ve realized that I can’t keep ignoring this. It’s not just a harmless curiosity anymore. It’s something that’s beginning to interfere with my daily life, and that’s not okay. I know I need to talk to someone, someone who can help me navigate these feelings. Maybe it’s time to get some professional help to understand why this is affecting me so much.

It’s terrifying to admit that I need help. But I don’t want to keep spiraling in confusion and shame. I want to understand what’s going on and work through it. I want to feel like myself again—whole, not trapped in this strange obsession.