Date: April 21, 2025

Author: Ava Stewart

I never expected to be in this position. If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be sitting here, conflicted about the feelings I have for two people, I probably would have laughed. But here I am, torn between my partner, the woman I adore, and a guy who, against all odds, has become someone I can’t seem to stop thinking about.

Let me be clear: I’m not a cheater. I’ve never been, and I never will be. But what happens when the love you share with one person doesn’t quite fill the spaces that another person suddenly occupies? What happens when feelings start to develop for someone else, and you’re stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, unsure what the right path is?

I’ve always considered myself someone who’s open to love in all its forms. I’m polyamorous, and I’ve always been open about the fact that I don’t believe love is a finite resource. But there’s a catch: the people I love—well, they don’t share the same views. My girlfriend, the woman who means the world to me, isn’t polyamorous. She’s wonderful, supportive, and everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner. But she doesn’t see love in the way I do. And I can’t force her to. She’s told me, more than once, that she can’t imagine being in a relationship with more than one person at a time. I respect that. I really do.

Then there’s the guy. I met him in passing, in the most casual of circumstances. We didn’t talk much at first, but slowly we started connecting, in small, unexpected ways. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I began to develop feelings for him. At first, I thought it was just a harmless crush, something fleeting. But it wasn’t. Every time I saw him, I felt my heart race a little faster. Every conversation we had seemed to matter more. And then, I found out he felt the same way.

That’s when it all got complicated.

I’ve always believed in openness and honesty in relationships. But now, here I am, feeling a pull between two people I care deeply for. My girlfriend and I have built something real, something beautiful. I can’t just walk away from that. And yet, I can’t ignore these feelings for this man. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever known. But there’s a problem.

He’s homophobic. It’s something I’ve noticed more recently. He makes comments, subtle at first, but the more I get to know him, the clearer it becomes. It’s not something I can easily overlook. It’s a dealbreaker in a lot of ways. I’ve always prided myself on being open-minded, but hearing the things he says about others has made me question whether it’s worth pursuing anything with him at all. How can I reconcile the way I feel with the reality of who he is?

I can’t have both. I know that. It’s not realistic. My girlfriend isn’t open to polyamory, and this man isn’t open to change. I’m stuck. Stuck in a space where I want both, but I can’t have both.

So, what do I do now? Do I keep my feelings buried and ignore the reality of them, pushing away something that feels real? Do I try to confront these contradictions in my heart, even if they hurt? Or do I walk away from one of them, knowing I’ll never truly be able to let go of what could have been?

I don’t have the answers. I wish I did. But I know one thing: I have to figure this out, for myself. I can’t keep living in limbo. Whatever choice I make, I need to be honest with myself, even if it’s painful.