Date: April 27, 2025

Author: Sarah Williams

I never thought I’d become so afraid of something so basic, something so necessary. But here I am, trapped in this cycle of fear, and it’s controlling my life. It started with a gallstone, something I thought would be no big deal at the time. Little did I know that it would turn into something far worse. The stone turned into sludge in my gallbladder, and that sludge slowly poisoned me. What followed was months of pain, a relentless gnawing discomfort that grew worse every day, until I was diagnosed with pancreatitis. Five months of that agony were just the beginning. The next year, it came back.

In the midst of this, I developed a crippling fear of food. Not just any food, but any food. The mere thought of eating—even something as simple as bread or crackers—sends my mind spiraling. I never imagined food could become my enemy, but after all that happened to my body, it feels like it is. I already had some GI issues before all of this, things that caused mild to severe pain after eating, but now it’s become something so much bigger. The pain, the discomfort, the fear of what’s going to happen after I eat—it all feels like too much.

What’s worse is that I can’t explain this to anyone. How do you tell someone that you’re terrified of your own body, that you don’t trust it to function the way it’s supposed to? How do I explain that every meal feels like a gamble, that I’m constantly walking on eggshells wondering if I’ll be okay or if I’ll end up curled in bed, clutching my stomach, hoping the pain will pass?

I just want to go back to when things were simpler. When I didn’t have to think twice before eating or be overwhelmed by dread. I miss the version of myself that wasn’t consumed by fear and anxiety every time I took a bite. I want to feel normal again, to not have to constantly second-guess my body’s reactions.

But right now, it feels like I’m stuck in this constant loop. I want to explain it to others, but the words never come out right. It’s hard to put into words something that’s so deeply rooted in my daily life. And I hate that, because I just want someone to understand, to see how deeply this affects me.

I don’t know how to stop this cycle. I don’t know how to undo the fear that’s taken hold of me. But I know I’m tired of fighting it alone. And I just wish I could find peace again.