Date: April 21, 2025

Author: Dylan Matthews

I’ve always considered myself a fairly straight-laced guy. Tall, attractive, married with a wife I love. I never had any trouble attracting women, and I’ve never strayed. It wasn’t something I thought about much; my life was pretty straightforward, pretty normal. At least, that’s what I told myself.

Then I watched Euphoria. I wasn’t expecting anything life-changing—just another show everyone had been talking about. But something happened. I found myself drawn to characters and moments I hadn’t anticipated, and it sparked an unexpected curiosity in me. The allure wasn’t just the drama or the chaos, but the fluidity of identity and attraction in the show.

For a while, I pushed those feelings aside. I told myself it was just the show, nothing to dwell on. But over time, it got harder to ignore. It started small: just a quick search online, looking at things I’d never considered before. At first, it was just curiosity. I started watching more content that explored different aspects of attraction, and soon enough, it wasn’t just a casual interest—it was something deeper, something I hadn’t explored in myself.

I decided to download Grindr. It felt like a safe place to explore these feelings, maybe just to satisfy some curiosity. I swiped through profiles, but honestly, I didn’t find anyone that made me stop and really think—until I saw Josh. He was different from anyone I’d ever noticed. Asian, shorter than me by a good few inches, and incredibly feminine in his appearance and style. He wore clothes that screamed confidence, like he wasn’t afraid to be seen or judged.

We messaged back and forth for a few months. It was strange, and I felt a bit like I was playing a game I wasn’t sure I knew the rules to. I had a wife, after all, and this felt like a betrayal even though I hadn’t done anything yet. I couldn’t explain why, but the conversations with Josh were easy. We talked about everything and nothing. But every time I thought about meeting him, I hesitated. Fear? Guilt? Maybe both. I’d never been in a situation like this, and the closer I got to meeting him, the more unsure I became.

Then one night, I was just… overwhelmed. The attraction, the curiosity—it was too much to ignore. I reached out, asking if he wanted to meet up. It was impulsive, and I wasn’t prepared for what happened when we finally met. My mind went into autopilot, and all my hesitations, all my doubts, disappeared when I saw him in person. There was no turning back.

The experience itself was a whirlwind. It was a side of myself I hadn’t known existed, and part of me was relieved to finally feel something so raw and real. But afterward, it hit me: what did this mean for me? For my life? For my marriage? I thought I knew myself, but I was wrong. This wasn’t a moment of clarity—it was a moment of confusion.

I’m still figuring it out. I don’t know where this new part of me fits, or what it means. I’ve been processing everything in silence, unsure how to even begin explaining it to anyone, especially my wife. The whole thing feels like a secret, something that’s weighing on me. But I can’t ignore the fact that it happened. And I’m left asking myself questions I never expected to ask.