Date: April 28, 2025
Author: Jasmine W. Carter
I don’t even know how to start this. I’ve been going over it in my head for days, trying to figure out what the right thing is to do, and I still don’t have the answers.
I’ve been dating someone for a few months now, and everything seemed to be moving in the right direction. We were talking about the future, joking about getting married, imagining what our life together could look like. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I had a clear picture of where things were heading—at least in terms of the usual things, like having kids, building a life together, growing old with someone.
But then, last week, my boyfriend sat me down and told me something I wasn’t prepared for. He has a terminal illness. The kind where they’re giving him 3 to 5 years, maybe a little more, but no guarantees. I’m still processing it. I don’t even know how to say it without feeling like I’m in a bad dream.
I had no idea. I had no clue that something like this was even a possibility. And honestly? I don’t know what to do with the information now that I have it.
I thought about it for a long time—about our relationship, about my future. I always pictured myself getting married, having kids, building a family. I imagined growing old with someone, watching our children grow up, maybe even becoming grandparents one day. But now, all of that seems so fragile. I’m scared. How could I bring children into the world, knowing that their father wouldn’t be there to see them grow up? What if they inherit some of his condition? What if they’re sick too? I don’t think I could handle that.
And the thought of losing him, of having to watch him get weaker and eventually pass away, is almost unbearable. The idea of outliving him, and possibly our children too—it haunts me. I’ve always believed in love, in building a life with someone, but this is different. It feels like a countdown. It feels like everything we do now is just racing against time, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough for that.
The more I think about it, the more I’m filled with fear. I’m afraid that I’ll end up traumatized, that I’ll never truly be able to enjoy my life with him because I’ll always be thinking about the inevitable. What happens when the person you love is slipping away, no matter how hard you try to make the most of the time left? How do you cope with the knowledge that your future isn’t like everyone else’s, that your dreams of growing old together might not even come true?
I don’t want to leave him, but I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle this. I don’t know if I can live with the constant reminder that I might lose him too soon. I feel selfish, but at the same time, I have to consider my own well-being, my own future.
I’ve tried to talk to him about how I’m feeling, but it’s hard to say the words out loud. How do you tell someone you care about that you might not be able to handle being with them, knowing the kind of pain it would bring? How do you admit that you’re scared of losing them, scared of what it might do to you emotionally, mentally?
Right now, I’m just lost. I don’t know what the right decision is. My heart says one thing, but my mind says another. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be part of a life that might be cut short. I don’t know if I can live with the fear of being left behind—or worse, of passing on something that could hurt our future children.
I guess all I can do now is take it one day at a time and try to figure out what’s best for both of us. But I feel guilty for even considering walking away. It feels like betrayal. I just don’t know what to do.
