April 21, 2025
by Jamie Wilson

I’ve always thought of myself as the quiet one in our friend group, the one who watches more than speaks. But with you, I don’t know what happened. It started off so harmless—just laughing at the same jokes, texting about random things, talking about anything and everything. But somewhere along the way, I think I started to care too much. It’s like you became my world, and when we’re together, it’s like the rest of the world just fades out. You’re the kind of friend who makes me feel like everything’s okay, even when everything’s not.

But the thing is, I can’t stop myself from wanting more. I get jealous when you give your attention to someone else. I hate it when you talk to our other friends or laugh with them the way you laugh with me. It’s irrational, I know. But I feel this tightness in my chest, like I’m losing you, and I can’t help it. I want to be the one who gets to see your smile first, the one who hears about your day before anyone else. I want to be the one you trust the most, but I know that can’t always be the case. And it hurts.

I try not to show it, though. I try not to let you see the part of me that’s always holding my breath when you talk about other people. I try to smile and act like it doesn’t bother me when you’re closer to someone else. But it does. It always does. I tell myself I should be happy for you. I am happy for you—really, I am—but there’s this quiet voice in my head that keeps whispering, why not me?

And then I feel guilty. Because, in the end, all I want is for you to be happy. You deserve that happiness, more than anyone. I know you have your own life, your own friends, and I’ll never be the center of your world, and that’s okay. I don’t expect to be. But I can’t shake this feeling of wanting to be just a little bit more important to you, even if it’s just for a moment. I guess I just wish you could see me the way I see you—always, always the most important person in my life.

But I can’t tell you any of this. I can’t. I don’t want to make things awkward. I don’t want to risk losing you, and I know that if I told you, it might change everything. So I keep it to myself, hidden behind a smile and a laugh. I tell myself it’s okay. That being your friend is enough. That I’m happy, even if I’m not the one in your life.

It’s enough.

I hope.